Unintentionally Amusing By-Line Photo

Yes, Mr. Moore, what you say is extremely interesting, but unfortunately I cannot continue reading the article that you have so carefully prepared for BBC News because I cannot stop staring at your face. I am absorbed by the fact that some photographer has told you to look friendly, like a bloke down the pub, and you have tried to smile, something you are clearly unable to do properly due to a birth defect. It has made you look like some poorly constructed ventriliquists dummy; or a much younger Ray Liotta at a management symposium. I can’t take my eyes off your trendy (if this was the mid-90’s) gelled back hair. Or the way you can’t put your glasses on straight and the photographer has told you to lean forward in a jaunty diagonal angle so that people wont notice your crippling inability to dress yourself.

But mostly it’s the fact you think you look completely normal, and that you’re convinced this article will lead to further career success; not some twat taking the piss out of you unfairly in a blog no-one reads.

Jesus in Action Adventure Shock!

So apparently some third-rate Hollywood idiots (One of them is currently directing a Lindsay Lohan film! I thought she was drunk in a gutter somewhere.) have had a panic at the recent writers strikes and started making a terribly ill advised film detailing Jesus’ lost years that was never covered by the bible. I know, what? Did I hear you right?

It’s going to be “shot using actors and computer animation like 300,” a film in which hundreds of Persians were slaughtered in endlessly brutal fashion, which was the only reason for the computer animation they speak of. “The film, which is due for release in 2009, sets out to be a fantasy action adventure account of Jesus’s life with the three wise men as his mentors. Although the producers say the film will feature a “young and beautiful” princess, it is not clear whether Jesus is to have a love interest.”

This is rediculous. A ‘fantasy action adventure’? I can’t help picturing a buff, almost naked Jesus weilding his sword and slashing his way through thousands of Buddhists because one of them said his dad was a wuss, while the three wise men stand to one side, stroking their beards like Gandalf in a melodramatically approving way. Jesus will pause, standing knee high in Asian blood, and grasp his woman by the air for a passionate kiss before more murder. What’s the betting Hollywood will add a cutesy, cuddly character with massive eyes and colourful fur to take the edge off all the gore and violence and make it appeal to the kiddies?

In fact, I can’t believe that Mel Gibson has nothing to do with this.

Taken from the Guardian newspaper website, link.

Nonsensical Graph

Nonsensical Graph No. 1

Sorry, but any scientific diagram using the words, ’stuffed animal,’ ‘prosthetic hand,’ and ‘zombie,’ gets instant entry into the Nonsensical Graph hall of fame, as sponsered by Brass Eye.